I lay on my waterbed – especially tailored to suit my every need – and sighed again as one woman rubbed my feet, another rubbed my shoulders and two more slowly cooled me with large, feathery fans. Every now and then a fifth woman fed me a grape.

I heard someone enter the room. Without looking, I knew it was General Quixar of the Furichi High Command. He was the only one who would enter without permission. At least he didn't do it often. By this time I had been on board their ship for several months. For all practical purposes, I was still a prisoner, but they had certainly done everything they could to make me comfortable. They made regular runs to Earth in secret to get me things I needed. I didn't question how.

"Well?" I asked without opening my eyes.

"The entire crew is reading your story," he rumbled in that deep, stormy voice of his. "I've just finished it myself."

I waited in silence. I didn't really care whether he liked it or not. If he liked it, they would keep me prisoner on board just so I would write more. If he didn't like it, they would either keep me prisoner just out of spite or shoot me. So I figured I was stuck here either way – not that I didn't mind, of course, but I knew they could take the women away from me at any moment. Still, I enjoyed my moment of power. I had them all too rarely. I let him stew, and he finally rumbled on.

"I had a few problems with some of the scientific aspects. The story seemed to spin more and more out of control the further along it got, like it was a cyclone, and the plot was held together by chewing gum, barbed wire and old twine. Sometimes it seemed as if you were trying to cover up lapses in the plot with as many fancy explosions as you could get your hands on."

Damn! I was impressed! As a critic he was spot on. I didn't let him know that, though. I continued to relax and enjoy the attention of my harem. "Was it plausible?" I asked.

He hesitated. "Barely."

"Good enough for me," I murmured. I opened my eyes and motioned for another grape. The woman feeding me smiled seductively.

"Still," he said, "I liked the power, the energy of it all, the sheer, raw emotion. The glorious battles. The constant series of cheap cliffhangers. The redemption of Morgan and the return of Braydon Croy. The stupid jokes. In the end, all in all, as my final analysis, I would have to say...it was cute."

I sat up suddenly. The women looked appropriately alarmed, attuned as they were to my every need. "Cute?" I asked. I stood up and approached him. "Cute? After three years of hard work, over 120,000 words, more setbacks and delays than I can say grace over, dozens of sleepless nights, the loss of a job and being kidnapped by a bunch of fiction-starved space mongrels, all you have to say is, 'Cute?!"

"Well..." he thought about it. "Yes. It was cute."

Whatever reply I might have made at that moment was lost as a dull roar sounded from a distance and the ship shook around us. My harem huddled together on the bed, suddenly afraid.

"What was that?" I asked.

"We're under attack!" he yelled. "It's the Tissera!"

We raced for the bridge together as sirens sounded throughout the ship. It heaved twice more, throwing us both to the ground. "This is different from when it's in a story!" I yelled. "I didn't want to experience anything like this in real life!"

"Cheer up, author!" the general said with a grin. "Consider it a source of future material."

"I'd like there to be a future in which to use it!" I shot back.

We made it to the bridge just as another blast shook the ship. Strangely, only one other Furichi, the first officer, was there. "Sir!" he stood up and saluted. It was a strange salute, using all six of his arms and looking to me to be very obscene. "It's the Tissera."

"How many ships?" the general asked.

"Just one."

"Just one?" the general was incredulous. "This is the Flag Ship of the Furichi War Fleet! Blow it out of the sky!"

"Easier said than done, sir," the first officer said. "We're being attacked by the Tisseran Flag Ship!"

The general sounded almost reverential. "You mean..."

"Yes, sir!" the first officer said with pride. "It's your arch-enemy, General Baragon of the Tisseran Defense Force!"

"At last!" General Quixar said, drawing it out in a long breath of ecstasy as he sat in his command chair. "Put it on the main viewer."

The main view screen came to life and we saw an image of another space ship blasting away at ours. I asked, "Does actually having it on the screen help any?"

"Oh, yes," he replied. "I always need to see my enemies."

"It's just that I think we should be returning fire, you know." He quickly turned to glare at me. "Or something," I finished weakly.

He hesitated. "You are right," he finally said and hit a button on the side of his chair. "Main gunnery crews, commence attack on the Tisseran Flag Ship!"

Nothing happened.

"The gunnery crews aren't responding, sir," the first officer said. "They're all reading the story. That was how the enemy managed to sneak up on us. The watch wasn't being very watchful."

"What?" General Quixar shouted. "Have the gunnery crews and all their families shot immediately! Then tell them to get back to their posts!"

"I can't, sir," the first officer replied. "Most of the crew are caught up in the cliffhanger at the end of Part 1. They're refusing to listen to anything."

"Don't they realize we're being attacked?" I asked.

"They're reading battle scenes between the Daleks and the Time Lords. They think the explosions are just an added effect for realism. I tried to tell them it was real but they're not listening."

"Blast their eyes!" the general howled uselessly.

"Why aren't you with them?" I asked the first officer. "How come you're the only one on the bridge? Did you finish my story already?"

"No," the first officer said. "I read the first few chapters and thought it was crap."

"Good for you," I said. "I can't believe this! I'm going to die out here in space, no one to remember me, because I literally wrote myself to death!"

The general grabbed me by the shirt front and hauled me close. "Whoa!" I yelled. Somehow my feet had stayed where they were and I was suspended from his fist, my back arched, my wide eyes inches from his.

"You just wrote an adventure story," he said. "It was full of clever escapes from impossible situations. Now is the time to display your cleverness again. Get us out of this!" He thrust me away from him.

"You don't understand," I said. "When I think of those clever solutions in my action scenes, it's the result of hours and hours of thinking things through as an author, and very meticulous planning in the sequence of events and word usage. In real life I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag."

He pulled his gun and leveled it at my head. "Do as I say!"

"All righty, one quick solution coming up," I said. I stared at the screen, sweating like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. "Yes-sir-ee Bobsky, one solution coming right up." Another blast rocked the ship. "Just as soon as I think of something. One really, really clever solution. Yeppers. Any minute now."

"Ten seconds, Earthling," the general said.

"Okay!" I shouted, my arms spread out, my feet braced. "All right! All right! No pressure, no pressure. Here's what we'll do!"

The general and his first officer both waited expectantly.

I pointed dramatically at the stars. "We run like hell! Get this ship moving! Full speed ahead, don't spare the horses, anchors aweigh!"

They both stared at me in horror. "The Furichi never retreat," the general ground out.

"Oh," I said. "Then we're doomed. Make your peace with God, or whomever."

The general stood up. "In the face of imminent death, I proudly go to join my ancestors singing our most sacred, most ancient battle hymn."

With that, he and the first officer both stood at attention, and the sound which emanated from their mouths was the most solemn, most heartbreaking rendition of an ancient garbage truck with a tiny engine laboring up a hill that I had ever heard.

After the first few bars I managed to pick myself up off the floor and force my stomach back into place. My kneecaps were trying to escape from my body just to get away from the terrible noise.

"You call that singing?" I yelled, interrupting them both. "Geeze, even I can sing better than that, and that is saying something!"

"Are you sure?" the general asked.

"Here, I'll prove it," I said. "Anyway, I refuse to die having a bad time." I punched a button which I knew would activate the communicator in my quarters. "Wendy, would you and the girls please come to the bridge with my stack of CD's and the CD player? Thanks. Yeah, kisses to you, too."

"Can you give us an example of what you would call real singing?" the first officer asked.

"Sure," I said. I cleared my throat and started to sing.

Feelings.
Nothing more than...feelings.

"Not another word," the general said, looking queasy.

The first officer agreed. "That sounded like an ancient garbage truck with a tiny engine laboring up a hill," he said.

"Oh, it did not!" I shot back.

"I'm going to get the rest of the troops, even if I have to drag them up here," the first officer said. "And I'm going to have them shoot you."

"Why?" I asked.

"For writing a horrible story, for distracting the crew, for failing to come up with a solution to our problem, for that sorry attempt at singing, and just on general principle." He left.

Suddenly the image on the screen changed to show a man with purple skin looking at us. "What the hell was that noise?" the strange man asked.

"Ah, General Baragon, you choose to show your cowardly face at last," General Quixar said.

"Don't provoke him!" I hissed.

"Our probes have attached themselves to the side of your ship," General Baragon said. "They were monitoring all internal sounds as we were trying to figure out why you weren't fighting back. We just picked up the most hideous noise! I had to stop the battle long enough to ask what it was."

"Er, it's, um, er, it- it's a new secret weapon that my people have just created!" General Quixar blurted. "Surrender now or we'll use it again!"

General Baragon replied, "Our treaty specifically states that neither side will use weapons of a chemical nature, weapons of an atomic nature, or any other weapon deemed by a field officer to be horrific in nature. The sound I just heard clearly falls under that last category."

I sighed. I'd had just about enough of this. "That was me singing, General."

"Are you from the planet Earth?" he asked, looking at me intently.

"Yes."

"Hmmm," he said. "Your singing was so terrible I'm wondering if I should destroy the Earth just on general principle. It would be a service to the rest of the galaxy."

"Please don't," I said. "I'm a mutation. Others of my species can sing beautifully. Honest."

"Well...okay, if you say so. Do either of you have any last words before I blast you to space dust?"

"I have nothing to say!" General Quixar shouted.

I held up my hand. "I do. I would like to know why you're firing at us."

General Baragon looked at me as if I was the most stupid creature in the cosmos. "Because we're at war," he said.

"Yeah, but why are you at war?"

"Um...." He had to think this one over. "Um...er...well, we just kind of are, really."

"Then I have a great idea," I said. "Why don't you stop?"

"Stop?"

"Yes, stop. You know, stop fighting, stop killing each other, stop shooting at each other, make friends with each other, go on picnics to the lake with each other and bore each other to death with endless photos of your last vacation. It's so much more fun."

"Hmmm...well, I can see the value in that..."

"Great!" I said with a smile.

"But on the other hand, we would be wasting all the money we've spent to train our troops and build our weapons."

"Keep them for defense in case someone attacks you," I said. "But just because I own a can of bug spray in my closet back home doesn't mean that I actually want to go spray bugs."

"Your analogy stinks, but I get the point," General Baragon said. "What do you propose?"

General Quixar shouted, "I propose that you surrender immediately-"

"Shut up, Quixar," I snapped and turned back to General Baragon. "Don't mind him, he's just had a bad day. Why don't you beam over here to our ship and we'll have a party, okay?"

"Beam?"

"Uh...teleport?" I asked. He and Quixar both looked confused. "Transmat? Matter transmit? Quantum tunnel?" Still the looks of confusion. "Hyperspatial transmit? White holing? Cosmic surfing?" They still looked confused.

"Zap?" I asked.

"Oh!" they both said as their faces cleared. General Baragon said, "You want me to zap over there?"

"Absolutely."

"What if it's a zap trap?"

"Then you can kill me, I promise."

"Um...okay. But no singing or the war's back on."

"You got it."

Seconds later, to the accompaniment of some really keen glowing lights and a cool shimm sound, General Baragon and 20 of his officers and troops zapped themselves onto the bridge.

The Furichi first officer chose that moment to return with 20 of his own troops. "Tissera on board!" he shouted. "Fire!"

"STOP!" I screamed. "Or I start singing again!"

"And shoot him first!" the First Officer pointed at me.

I quickly hid behind General Quixar. Hell, he was big enough. "No, don't shoot me!" I shouted back. "I organized this party. We don't have any videos or chips and dip, yet, but nobody shoots people at my parties. You got that?"

Then I heard Wendy's voice. "Excuse me, coming through."

"But we've got music," I said with a grin and stepped out to greet her and the rest of my women. I walked right between the opposing forces, each eyeing the other nervously. I didn't let them see how scared I was. I knew that only confidence would save me now.

That and Chubby Checker.

General Baragon was holding a long, ornate rod, presumably a symbol of his rank. I snatched it out of his hands as I walked past, took the CD player from Wendy and set it on top of the radar unit. "Listen up, boys and girls," I said. "I'm going to teach you how to limbo." I put in a CD and hit "Play." A hip drumbeat filled the air. Two of the women held the rod at waist height. I stood in front of it and edged my way forward, leaning back to make it under the bar. Out of the CD player, Chubby Checker started to sing.

Every limbo boy and girl,
All around the limbo world,
Gonna do the limbo rock,
All around the limbo clock!
Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,
Jack go unda limbo stick!
All around the limbo clock,
Hey, let's do the limbo rock!

I limboed under the bar and turned to the two generals with a smile. "Your turn."

"What is the purpose of this?" General Quixar asked.

"To see if you can get under the bar while staying on your feet," I said. "And everyone else gets to cheer you on and laugh at you. You dance while you're doing it, too. Then the bar gets lower and lower and we do it again. Come on, try it!"

General Baragon hesitantly walked forward. Then he awkwardly leaned back and started limboing under the bar.

First you spread your limbo feet,
Then you move to limbo beat!
Limbo ankle limbo knee,
Bend back like a limbo tree!

He made it under the bar and stood up with a smile. His men clapped and cheered. "Now your turn," I said to General Quixar. Not to be outdone by a Tissera, he stepped forward.

Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,
Jack go unda limbo stick!
All around the limbo clock,
Hey, let's do the limbo rock!

He was successful, also, and the Furichi jumped up and down and hooted. "Now the rest of you try!" I shouted.

They got into it with an enthusiasm I've rarely seen. I whispered to Wendy and she nodded and ran back to our quarters. She returned moments later with streamers, noisemakers and a camcorder.

"What's that for?" General Quixar asked, pointing at the camera.

"You film everyone making fools of themselves and laugh at them later. It's great! Tell your troops to pass that around." The camcorder disappeared into the room and people started having fun with it.

"This is a truly momentous occasion," General Quixar said. "Number One, break out the Algolian Rum!"

"Yes, sir!" the First Officer said with a grin.

Within minutes the whole place was swinging. The generals were laughing and slapping each other on the back and the Furichi First Officer was limboing under the bar with a smile on his face and streamers all over him. They couldn't get enough of Limbo Rock.

Get yourself a limbo girl,
Give that chick a limbo whirl!
There's a limbo moon above,
You will fall in limbo love!

Wendy, the rest of the girls and I stole away from the party when it was still going full swing. "Do you think they'll be all right?" Wendy asked.

"They'll be fine," I said. "But it's going to be really interesting when they move on from Limbo Rock and discover Let's Do the Twist." She giggled.

We all made it to one of their zap terminals, figured out how to use it, and teleported ourselves to freedom.

No one noticed us leave.

Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,
Jack go unda limbo stick!
All around the limbo clock,
Hey, let's do the limbo rock!

Don't move that limbo bar!
You'll be a limbo star!
How low can you go?

Everybody whistle!

La la la, la-la, la-la,
La la la, la-la, la-la!
La la la, la-la, la-la,
La la la, la-la, la-la!
La la la, la-la, la-la!
La-la la LA, la-la, la-la!
La la la, la-la, la-la,
La la la, la-la, la-la!

 

Fini!