| Mary Carillo: |
Mary Carillo, here, with Serven Volley, Director of the USTA. We're about to go inside for a USTA banquet, but Serven agreed to have a few words before sitting down.
Serven, what do you think of Monica Seles?
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| Serven Volley: |
Oh, Monica! She's a slam icon, see? She's an acme lioness, that one. She was never one of those girls who was aimless, once,
she always knew what she wanted to do. She's so focused on the court, she's as solemn as ice. She aces lines mo', and then she smiles on ace.
I wouldn't ever want to play her, because she'll ace me in loss. In fact, the last time we played, she aced me, and I said to her, "Come'n, lassie!
That's your lone ace, miss!" But she just proceeded to ace me again and again. But then again, now that I think about it, she doesn't really have a mean slice, so...
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| Mary Carillo: | What about her results lately? She seems to get deep into tournaments and then lose. She's proven that she can lose semi. |
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| Serven Volley: |
Oh, yeah, she can lose 'em, si? It's been a while since she's played a clean semi, so...
Plus – and I hate to say this, mind you – I have a hard time listening to the camel noises she makes on the court.
Sometimes, it sounds like an iceless moan. You gotta have a mean ossicle to listen to it.
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| Mary Carillo: | And an ossicle is... |
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| Serven Volley: | A small bone in the human ear. |
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| Mary Carillo: | What about encouraging Monica to play doubles some more? |
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| Serven Volley: | Well, we talked about that, but she just said, "I'm sola scene." |
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| Mary Carillo: | What does that mean? |
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| Serven Volley: | Well, a sola is a stage direction to a female character who is alone on the stage. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Wow, that Monica uses some fancy words. She must be pretty smart. |
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| Serven Volley: |
Yeah, she's a bright lady. Most people don't know that she's got a great business sense. One day, she's going to be one lean CEO miss!
She won't commit any of those lame CEO sins you hear about in the news nowadays, she'll be a slim, sane CEO.
Any business she runs will have a great sales income. In fact, she once talked about obtaining a soma license, so she could sell the stuff.
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| Mary Carillo: | And what's soma? |
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| Serven Volley: | An intoxicating or hallucinogenic beverage, used as an offering to the Hindu gods and consumed by participants in Vedic ritual sacrifices. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Wow, she's smart. And if Monica started a business, she'd be able to market her name, too. She wouldn't have to hang a sign in a store saying, "Sales! Come in!" |
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| Serven Volley: |
Not at all. Of course, she could also be an actress some day. She had an appearance on The Nanny years ago.
She came on and delivered her cameo's lines perfectly.
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| Mary Carillo: | She's a sweet woman off the court, too, isn't she? |
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| Serven Volley: |
Absolutely. There is definitely a comeliness about her. She always has ocean smiles for me.
But you can probably ask Monica herself about that in just a moment. I can see limos approaching.
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| Mary Carillo: | All right, Serven, thank you for your time. |
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| Serven Volley: | My pleasure. |
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| | The limos pull up and Monica gets out, along with several other tennis players and a woman dressed as a gypsy holding a crystal ball. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Excuse me, Monica, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment. |
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| Monica Seles: | Sure thing, Mary. |
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| Mary Carillo: | First, what's the deal with the woman with the crystal ball? |
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| Monica Seles: | Oh, we were all riding in séance limos. It's the WTA's latest thing. |
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| Mary Carillo: | That's pretty weird. Hey, have you done anything exciting lately? |
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| Monica Seles: | Well, I just saw a sneak preview of the next X-Men movie. I was so sad to learn that the Iceman loses his- |
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| Mary Carillo: | Monica, don't give the plot away! |
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| Monica Seles: | Oops! Sorry. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Have you done anything else exciting? |
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| Monica Seles: | Yes! I spent the last week on an ocean cruise with Martina Hingis! |
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| Mary Carillo: | That must have been fun! |
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| Monica Seles: |
It was! I originally wanted to take in the Somali scene, but we went to South America instead.
One of our shore excursions was canoeing up the Amazon. Did you know that Martina canoes miles every year?
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| Mary Carillo: | Don't con me, lassie! |
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| Monica Seles: |
No, really, she does! But we saw some primitive-looking muscular men on the river bank, and Martina shouted, "Males! So nice!"
and before I knew what she was doing, she had jumped into the water and swum to shore. The men were so afraid of her aggression that they turned and ran.
I directed the canoe to the bank to wait for her, and she finally returned alone and sad. In her Swiss accent, all she would say was, "Incas lose me." I told her we weren't in Peru.
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| Mary Carillo: | Did you two do anything else besides canoeing? |
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| Monica Seles: |
Oh, lots! One day on the ship, Martina saw the island that was our destination that day and she said, "Sea isle! C'mon!"
So we travelled there by a smaller boat that came to pick us up, and along the way we saw a slim sea cone and a sonic sea elm.
We had to stay away from the sea elm, though, because touching it can give people a rare disease called the sonic measle,
and I certainly didn't want to become a measles icon.
We also saw a school of masonic eels, but when they saw us, they sent out a manic eel SOS and swam away.
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| Mary Carillo: | Wow! What about when you reached the island? |
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| Monica Seles: | Martina and I split up. I wanted to hike around the island, but Martina just shook her head and said, "Less men. Ciao!" and went to the island's most popular bar. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Martina does like to flirt, doesn't she? |
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| Monica Seles: |
Yeah. Her clothes were so skimpy they all fit into one slim case. So anyway, I hiked around for a while. I saw some wildlife, including some male oscines. |
| Mary Carillo: | What are oscines? |
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| Monica Seles: | A type of bird. Then I rejoined Martina in the bar, where the bartender asked me, "Ale once, miss?" But I don't like ale, I prefer wine. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Don't we all? So the cruise was lots of fun. |
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| Monica Seles: | Oh, yes. Seeing new and wonderful areas of our planet always gives me a great sense of Man's eco isle. |
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| Mary Carillo: | That's neat. Let's talk current events. What do you think about what's going on in the world today? |
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| Monica Seles: | Well, I just finished reading all about the AI clone mess. That was very sad. |
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| Mary Carillo: | AI being... |
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| Monica Seles: | Artificial Intelligence. |
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| Mary Carillo: | Oh, yes. Carry on. |
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| Monica Seles: |
It was also sad to hear how Maine closes its borders to anemics every winter. It always seems that anemics lose.
And then there was the news story about how the CIA loses men. It's all very sad.
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| Mary Carillo: | It is. Let's move on to a cheerier topic to wrap this up. What info can you give us on your tennis game and what we'll be seeing on court? |
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| Monica Seles: | Well, I have a new outfit from Yonex with a close inseam. |
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| Mary Carillo: | What does that mean? |
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| Monica Seles: | I have no idea, I'm just repeating what I was told. Also, my focus this year is to stay injury free. I want to be able to tell the insurance company, "See? No claims!" |
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| Mary Carillo: | Good for you! Well, good luck in the upcoming year and thanks for talking with us. |
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| Monica Seles: | Thank you, Mary. |
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