Christmas 2009

This one will be bigger and better than the first one, I promise you. I mean, I told you the first one would be a hit, right? Right? I'm a genius! I mean, it was me who got Robin Williams to play Rudolph. Could anybody else have done that? I don't think so.

Yeah, I know we couldn't get Bruce to play Santa. We settled for Gary Busey, and I know the studio thinks we got bit in the ass when he showed up to the premiere half an hour late, drunk, and wearing a pink tutu, but hey, you know what I say? Two things. First, that wasn't my fault. And second, there ain't no such thing as bad publicity, am I right? Am I right?

So anyway, let's cut straight to the meat – Slay Bells 2: Thin Ice. I thought of that title myself. Good, huh? You know, with Santa's workshop being at the North Pole, and the North Pole being just a big slab of floating ice, and all that. On the poster, we'll have a picture of Santa and Rudolph in sunglasses, standing back to back holding pistols, with the tag line, "It's time to kick ice."

Anyhoo, it turns out that the main bad guy Santa offed in Slay Bells has a brother. No, two brothers. No, a brother and a sister. And the sister's in a bikini all the time. That's important. I'd make it two sisters, but I don't think the audience'd buy it. So he's got a brother and a sister, and guess what? They want revenge! How's that for originality?

So Santa's in his workshop, and it's two days before Christmas. All the reindeer are there, and this time, we get to meet Mrs. Claus and the elves. And I figure we throw in a little drama at the beginning. I don't like it, but people seem to like movies better if you pause to have a little yakkety-yak goin' on. Somebody falls in love, somebody can't fit in at school, somebody argues over the remote control, and hey presto, you've got draaaaaama. I don't get it, but that's what the people want.

So, I figure, here's our drama: Rudolph's in love. We create a nice girl reindeer. Call her Rhonda. She thinks Rudolph's all right, but just a friend. She's smart and spunky, all those good things. Santa's under a lot of pressure because, hey, the population of the world is a lot bigger than it used to be, and he's still doin' the whole chimney thing all by himself. So he's stressed out, and he has an argument with the head elf, and then he has an argument with Mrs. Claus. I don't know about what, maybe she burns a fruitcake or something. I envision this scene where Santa takes a break at the local bar, and Rudolph's already there drowning his own sorrows, and the two of them talk about women. We could even turn that into a song, if you want to make this a musical. No? Well, suit yourself.

So, enough of the yakkety-yak. Earlier in the movie, we meet a cute little elf, on the young side, and he's out in the distance taking weather readings for the next day's flight. And because he's outside, he sees these figures coming in out of the darkness with machine guns, and he runs back screaming that they're under attack. His warning saves everyone's lives in the first assault.

And BAM! Just like that, Santa's HQ is under siege! This brother and sister duo have hired themselves a bunch of mercenaries, and they've promised to pay them with loot from Santa's workshop. (Just work with me on this.) They've got ground-to-air missiles, so none of the reindeer can take off.

Rudolph and Rhonda fall into a sub-sub-sub-basement after an explosion, then another explosion makes stuff fall and traps them there. Something like that. So they're separated from everyone else, and they have to work together.

At this point, the viewer's thinking, hey, Santa's toast, right? I mean, he's got toys, but the bad guys have guns. No contest. But here's the kicker! It turns out that Santa's got defenses that make the Bat Cave look like a Girl Scout cookie trading party. The fireplace spins around and becomes a computer control center. The elves are all ex-Green Berets. The little cute one? Turns out, he knows how to hack into NATO's defense grid. Santa's boys fight back with lasers fired from satellites!

Oh, and not only that, but we have a cameo for the snow monster. You know, the one from that puppet Christmas special that's a million years old? He wanders in, rips apart one of the bad guys' tanks, and wanders off again. We play it for laughs, the audience'll love it. I also wanted to give Superman a cameo, because his Fortress of Solitude is at the North Pole, too, but Warner Bros. won't give us permission. Can you believe that?

Hey, don't go, you haven't heard the best part! You want to know what the best part is? The bad guys have a special trick up their sleeves: they bought a nuclear submarine off the black market, and they're going to attack Santa from below! Just BOOM! Straight up through the ice, right into his living room!

Rudolph and Rhonda learn that the sub's on the way, and they're the only ones who know it's coming. But since they're cut off from the others, they can't warn anyone, so they have to deal with it all by themselves. See, this splits the action and allows Rudolph and Santa each to have his own storyline, and they each get to be a hero. Rudolph's popular! And also, I know I said earlier that there ain't no such thing as bad publicity, but I don't want to hear any more garbage from Gary and Robin about who gets to be more heroic, who gets more screen time, and whose name comes first in the credits. I figure if I keep them separate for most of the movie, and let each of 'em blow up something that's equally important, we just avoid that headache altogether.

I'm shooting for Helen Mirren to be Mrs. Claus. We already know she can do drama, so she can do the yakkety-yak, and beyond that, all she has to do is say some kind of kick-ass line of dialog with a toothpick in her mouth while roasting the evil sister with a flame-thrower, and hey, we're golden.

Oh, and this year, I got a theme song! Listen to this:

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, targeting systems on line!
He's the one to call when evil has the gall to put Christmas in a bind!
Missiles flying, bad guys dying, napalm glowing so bright.
Grab your gun and have some fun, 'cause Santa kicks ass tonight!

Whaddya think? Hey, don't leave yet! Oh, you have to go? Okay, well, you think it over. I think it really captures the spirit of Christmas and reminds people what the season is all about, so don't miss your chance to jump on board! This one's a golden gravy train!

You take care, and Merry Christmas!

The first movie

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