Christmas 2008

All right, here's the deal. A group of terrorists go to Russia to buy stuff off the black market. Big stuff. Five jets, missiles, nuclear bomb. And a submarine. Unless it slows down the story, in which case, scratch the submarine, we'll make it a speed boat. One of the terrorists is a hot woman, middle-eastern accent, Russian accent, I don't know, something exotic. Brunette. She's on the boat, so she's in a bikini all the time.

So these terrorists, they buy their stuff in Russia. And to show how bad they are, they don't actually buy the stuff, they double-cross the sellers, kill everyone and steal all the stuff. That way, we can open with a huge gun battle. Just, you know, bang! and away we go. Since this gun battle is in an armaments warehouse, we can have tanks, bazookas, you name it. Lots of explosions. Helicopters, too. I want to start with helicopters, and I want them all blown up in the first ten minutes.

Then – and here's the real kicker, are you ready for this? – and then, they attack America. But what's the shortest route to America from Russia? Over the North Pole! And that's where Santa comes in! Am I a genius? Huh? Am I a genius? Say it! I'm a genius.

So these super-bad guys are comin' across the North Pole, armed to the teeth. Ignore the ice cap, that's what global warming's for. In fact, there's so much global warming, the brunette's gotta wear her bikini on the speedboat even up there. I just now thought of that. I am so genius. And make it two women. Twins. Identical twins who are martial arts experts. Dress 'em in black bikinis and tight black leather all the time, that way the audience knows who's evil and whatnot.

So anyway, they choose to attack America on the night before Christmas, because they figure, that's when people will least expect it, right? So they're on their way over the North Pole, but they didn't figure on Santa. Santa's taking off on his worldwide flight. He's got the nine best reindeer in the world, and they don't take no crap from nobody. (Yeah, nine. Can't forget Rudolph. Everybody loves him.)

NORAD goes blind. I don't know how. We'll come up with some kind of unbelievable plot point, like they got a guy on the inside who shuts down NORAD for them. Something like that. Anyway, NORAD goes down, so Santa is the only one who can save us.

So Santa sees the planes, he sees the speedboat, he knows who's been naughty and who's been nice, and he and the reindeer go to work. You hear me? They. Kick. Ass. We have one aerial battle after another, with Santa using his bag of toys, rocket boosters and heat-seeking missiles. In about the second or third battle, Santa pulls a switch and all the reindeer cut loose and scatter in different directions, confusing the bad guys somethin' awful. Rudolph appears to die, heroically saving the others. He falls, that's all we see. Everybody's sad for a few minutes.

But in all the battles, the reindeer swoop and swerve, the FX boys can just go to town with this stuff, it's what those nerds do best. In the final battle, Rudolph miraculously comes back at the last moment ('cause he didn't really die) and blows away the speedboat with the twins, saving Santa from getting shot in the back, which allows Santa to blow away the last plane.

So by the end of the movie, Santa and the crew have taken care of every last one of 'em, and they still have time to deliver all the toys. We can give Rudolph a really cool line of dialog halfway through the film, and give Santa another really cool line near the end, just before he blows the last bad guy away. Something like "Hasta la vista, baby," except not that, because, you know, it's been used.

I'm thinking $43 million, a little more if we can get Bruce Willis to play Santa. No profanity, we tone down the explosions to PG-13, release it just after Thanksgiving, have an action figure tie-in through McDonald's, and we net about $250 to $300 million.

So are we good? No? Okay, I'll tell you what, you just think it over. Here's my card. Your people can call my people, okay? We'll do lunch. In fact, I'll treat. After all, that's what Christmas is all about, right? Yeah, you think it over. And you have a good day, too.

Merry Christmas!

The sequel

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